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pop punk & cry

by grey bath

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1.
pansy 02:04
not stuck in apathy i only indulge in lethargy. days & nights spent on my own, just feeling like a fucking ghost. and when you take a sip of cigarette ash, you just swallow it. like every second word. the things you throw away like tin cans or your trust in anything - you dont need them anymore. it comes & goes all that we know, replaced by fucked up dreamt up scenes. intrusive thoughts that drench my face, drugs, blood & death feels like a shame. and when you take a sip of cigarette ash, you just swallow it. like every second word. the things you throw away like tin cans or your trust in anything - you dont need them anymore.
2.
crushing pills all the way to the next day. never needing a chance to say 'good morning'. next plan's to get cash and get outta here. this place could be home but it's not yet. better leave now & see where my head's at. got too sick to ride a train, you sat with me while i coughed up my 3rd lung. strange town in a strange place in the USA. breathing in a sweet sticky mess. cuz i am sleeping next to a pile of rail ties. i am not there, im here now, thats what i told myself. im not there im here now, thats what i told you too. im away and i think im happy. isnt home kinda happy too? but what happens when im home and i just wanna go to a different home. one broken arm and two broken hearts. mending aint easy for either of us. mistakenly thinking i'd be alright, but it's mostly unspoken and vilified. gotta head for the border and try not to cry.
3.
for anne 02:12
5000 kilometers of anxieties kept in heavy sweaters, waiting patiently for winter to come & go. 5000 kilometers of telephone wires, train tracks, winding highways so maybe this note will make it to your bedroom floor. where have i gone, where have you gone; i still think i need you the most. i am certain this is my fault, i left to build a new home. sometimes i miss the way it rains. staying in with you this way. perks of a west coast shitty day. i am selfish, i hope you miss me as much as i miss you. i think your projects are the sickest i hope you see them through. ill be hiding between snowbanks in the west of montreal. writing letters i dont intend to send and just waiting for your call. 5000 kilometers of im so glad yr alive.
4.
it's not like we hadnt met yet. messy hair, messy bed. i guess i knew it all along. feelings named and then scratched out. words still there, still clearly legible. trying to keep my thoughts to myself - no i wont say that. drinking makes it harder, and i slip up. i dont know why this time it's stuck with me. oh i wish i could feel less or i wish that they could see this mess in my head cant only be put there by me. some distance cant be solved by proximity. i want to go back there but i know it's hard on me.
5.
telephone 01:22
just like laying on the floor and touching fingertips. same hands that grasp bottles & smash them on the traintracks just to prove that we exist as something physical. i guess i just want more than that. im tired of these talks of parking lots and pay checks, i just wanna know that you'll be there for me when i lose my keys, or my sense of balance, or my ability to trust in anything. i'd do the same for you, id like to think that ive tried to but when it all boils down to broken plans & chain smoked cigarettes it's kinda hard to not be sheltered & somber, wishing for a rainy day or last year to come back again. survive with bloody knees. cut knuckles mean we're not alone. soft words that hit like darts. shoulders offered as a home. forget to hold our own on late nights next to the telephone.
6.
remember 01:40
when we talked i tried to remember all the best phrases you said so i could write this song with your words repeating in my head. done a number on myself from substance, and from trauma. pretty sure i dont know what came first (chicken or the egg). i heard something beautiful flutter out your mouth. and i know you meant it. and you know i listened to it. these are shapes not words, feelings i have learned. pretending im fearless, i break. if im so young then why does my mind make so many mistakes? wanna remember every detail. gonna hold out for the times when we're face to face. cold wind through the window and the twinkle lights. when you're here, passport stamped, there's more tears than i'd like but it's just a natural reaction to wanting more out of life. it works for now, it's gotta work for now. im alone with sentiments and realities of love. im alone not doing much and staring at my phone.
7.
send me yr post dated compliments, ill save them for when i need them best when we dont live across the street or when you leave the country. always felt safest on your floor. well, the structure's there, i guess it's just that you arent anymore. and it's safe to say that i dont expect the same things as when i was 21 and realised that friends could just skip town or lose touch. i know that this town's just too small for you to survive in i guess i still thought you would linger, so i'd have something to believe in. even if it's just talking shit at kitchen tables or touching fingertips to remind ourselves somehow we're still alive through this shit.
8.
dead friends 02:07
how do you feel? does this seem resolved? personally, i am drinking myself to sleep. six months in a row mourning ethereal loss, a physical loss of you. said it was dumb but you obliged - a moon on my thigh graced with a scowl like the one that i make when i think of how you will never come home again. i met your mother, she had eyes like you, was kind like you. (r.i.p. gabe)
9.
you were the one who pointed out it was easy to burn down all the bridges to the ones we loved best so we could care less. i dont know why i thought i could be anything but kindling to that flame. i dont know why i thought that. all we've got left's xerbittert on mixtapes & love letters i wrote for you. i dont recognize my handwriting in those anymore. ive got a space in my bed that you will never try to fill. when you called to tell me you missed me from indiana or somewhere midwest, south of here, i guess i should have answered, huh?

credits

released June 22, 2016

recorded by blair lauren @ hamspace in montreal

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grey bath Montreal, Québec

rubi
dani
sasha

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